How Families Can Talk About World Events
Joline Godfrey
It is a fraught time. Even my most news addicted friends have shut off their 24/7 news shows. “We watched football on Sunday,” one confided. "We haven’t turned on the news." And I, who had chosen the Friday night edition of the PBS News Hour as my news limit, find myself skipping that too.
Instead I’m listening to the Audible version of Night, Elie Weisel’s memoir of the Holocaust. And as I write, I rewrite my understanding of privilege: a quiet street, the sound of birdsong, a shared meal; the ability to water my flowers, pour a cup of fresh coffee; assume my days are safe and my nights available for rest.
Even so, Weisel whispers, such privileges are an illusion while others are terrorized.
And a conversation with a colleague the other morning rattles my brain and punctures my heart. “Social media has everyone declaring for this side or that,” she says. “How did we get to a place where we have to declare that killing children—no matter their label or name, color, ethnicity, or religion—is WRONG??”
I had no response. And I know families are suffering the same: it seems there is no way to converse about what is happening in the world. Turning away seems the only reasonable act of sanity. The barbarity of killing and bombings is so indiscriminate, of such a scale, and so inconceivable we cannot wrap our heads around what is unfolding. How can we possibly “explain” to one another the events reported in the news? How can we defend a ‘side”? We cannot. But avoidance, turning off the news, or changing the subject are not tactics for building resilience and compassion in families. We must talk with one another.
Alternatives to Avoidance
“Children will listen,” Sondheim wrote for Into the Woods. And they are surely listening these days—in confusion and anxiety: what the heck is going on? So here are a few suggestions, alternatives to shaking your head and throwing up your hands. These are imperfect offerings. If you have better ones, let me know (kindly:). But above all, let’s not turn away or shut down. Let’s talk.
1. Reframe the conversation. Don't try to defend a side. Is any side defensible when children are slaughtered? Focus on being relevant to your own family. One way families pass on values is to be clear about their expectations. “In our family we____.” is a way to explain to children that Sally’s family may allow her to stay up til midnight, but in our family we... value a good night’s sleep (for example) and bedtime is 8:00 or 9:00 or whatever. In discussing world events you might say, “It is hard, even for grown-ups to understand how countries get to such a low in their relationship that violence becomes their only solution. In our family we believe…” Fill in what you believe. This is where we transmit moral compass to children—and clarify values within family.
2. Try on humanism as a family value. For as long as I can remember I've self-identified as a progressive feminist. And I am. But I am not JUST that. I'm a citizen, a community member, a sister, a neighbor, a global citizen. I am a VERY tiny part of the human race—and I will work as hard for my community, family, and neighbors as for my feminist sisters…Raising children and talking among family members about the inherent value of our humanness can open new pathways to connection and intimacy. It can help us transcend differences and find common ground. I’m no Pollyanna. (Though I once leaned in that direction.) But I know that family members need new ways to relate, to communicate, and find connections to prevent the continued fragmentation and devolution of families, communities, and governments. Family members—we all—need alternatives to the us and them bifurcation of the human race. Out of many, one. E Pluribus Unum.
3. Invent new ways to converse. Use a book, instead of the news. Limit social media as a primary source. Revert to what you learned in grade school and encourage kids to do the same: check sources, track down facts—don’t spread rumors. The memoir mentioned above has been helpful to me, but story telling may be better in your family. Or watch a film that has some relevance to the daily news; try to gain distance enough to talk together without forming ‘sides.' What new insights, information, or perspectives can you glean as a family?
4. Envision the future. Discuss who you are—and who you hope to be-- as a family. Ask what you stand for. What does a future for the human race look like if you assume we are in this together? What, as a family, can you do to make a difference? Have you written to your representatives? Have you expressed a point of view? Write, draw pictures (with little ones), imagine with one another. Despair is understandable, but not useful. Innovation is not just for technology, it is for human relations and politics. Dare to imagine an alternative to destruction and hate.
Shutting down in the face of trauma is understandable. But a wholesale shutting down of families and communities, allowing war fatigue to be legitimized and denial to flourish, is fuel for rage to grow and barbarism to go unchecked. Good people, exercising voice—in any number of ways--have always made a difference. Engaging in meaningful conversation in one’s family offers a model for children. And it is a start to climbing out of the mess we are in.