When Taylor Swift Tickets are $3000+

News of the  Broadway opening of a Stephen Sondheim show sent me into a frenzy. Whatever the price, I wanted to be there--and often was. It was experience, unforgettable music, high art. YOLO I might have explained, if the shortcut for rationalizing the expense had been in vogue then. 

So I fully understand young people pushing parents (and grandparents) to pay any amount to get them into a Taylor Swift concert. They’ll have that story to tell for a lot of years. I still humble-brag being present when Mandy Patinkin and Bernadette Peters lit up the stage in Sunday in The Park with George. But in my 20s I was a quasi-grown-up, responsible for my own impulse control.  With my parents’ voices still in my head I made my own choices and learned to live and deal with them-- both the good and the dumb ones!

Parents with just a few more years to help kids acquire the capacity for wise decision-making, mindful money-management, and well considered priority setting, are torn between making kids happy in the here and now and raising young people with values that guide them through their lives. But when underwriting a child’s wish does little substantive harm to the family bank, parents feel guilty ‘withholding’ the wish. And why should they withhold? 

Because they’re the grown-ups. And while young brains are developing, grown-ups are the super-ego to kids' wild id. 

I'm fascinated with how often, after a talk, audience members approach me, not to ask questions but to share a story that begins with, “My mother always said…”; "my grandfather use to tell me”…They  share parental (and grandparental) messages that served as the theme songs of their growing up years. Likely experienced as ’nagging’ when they were kids, those remembered exhortations to “save for a rainy day, "share with others, wait a few days before making an impulse buy, live within your mean, invest for the future, spend in moderation, etc.”  became guiding principles in adulthood, echos of something important now, that was just annoying then.

Kids raised without economic mentoring often become adults who struggle with lack of confidence, unsure about how to recognize, let alone manage, good judgment and financial wisdom. The privileged few raised with a sense that  “anything is possible,’  often struggle with questions of identity: “what do I REALLY want?  How do I know THIS choice is as good as the other choice? What are my priorities?  Making everything possible for children denies them the experience that comes with practicing the art of discerning, choosing this or that to line up with real values, clear preferences.  

That said, withholding great experiences randomly, without conversation or explanation is not helpful. “We can afford it,” a child may accuse parents, stoking guilt and ambivalence, “Why can’t I go… have...do?” And the grown-up, baffled by their own lack of clarity, stumbles. “Because I said so,” comes an autocratic response. “We can’t afford it,” another tries to make the child believe. “Talk to me later," they may say, teaching kids to persist, whine, and badger until the weary parent hands over a credit card.

So what CAN a grown-up do in the face of a Taylor Swift scale phenomenon to nurture financial mindfulness—while showing love and encouraging passions? Here are some of the most effective practices of parents who walk the line well:

“Just because we can, doesn’t mean we should,” one family repeats like a mantra. The family enjoys plenty of rich pleasures together, but kids are taught the importance of critical thinking, informed decision-making, and making choices in the context of the family’s values. Not ALL wants are denied. But neither are they all indulged.The family is committed to helping kids appreciate the joy of a real treat, determined to prevent the emergence of the jaded flatness that comes when nothing is actually special.

“We’ll contribute half the price of a ticket if you earn the other half,” another family proposes. And when the teen objects that, “there’s not time!” the parent helps them make a plan and holds them to it. Entrepreneurial skill, contribution, and responsibility are values the family wants to instill for the long term. And even though it would be easy enough to forgive the debt after a few months of ‘good effort’ this family encourages follow through, while respecting the child’s passion.

“That’s a lot of money,” a parent tells her teen. “Let’s make a plan for an entertainment allowance this year and see if this is how you still want to spend the budget.”  A powerful expression of want is an opening to a new stage in the child’s economic maturation. Helping kids evolve from the easy life of mom’s invisible allowance to awareness of the real costs of choices and preferences is a process best started young and continued, in incremental and iterative fashion, through high school and college, helping young people acquire the confidence they long for as they enter the world.

"Don’t be ridiculous, that’s way too much money to spend on a concert,” says a parent who can well afford but is not willing to participate in a culture that feels all wrong to them. There’s nothing wrong with no. No offers an opportunity to make family values explicit. No is a means of establishing boundaries. What matters is the consistency of one’s no. If you display your values here, displaying them there teaches kids what is real for you. 

"Let’s buy two tickets and share the experience with someone who might not be able to experience it otherwise,” says a grandparent. Though this family member is not helping the teen acquire much in the way of delayed gratification, the grandparent is doing his best to remind the teen that generosity matters; that this is not a routine experience for all. They give the extra ticket to someone they know who would love to surprise a teen without a prayer fo getting to the concert.

There is a profound difference between making kids happy, by satisfying every desire—no matter how wildly outsized the ask-- and raising happy kids, giving them tools to uncover their own happiness. Taylor Swift offers a terrific opportunity for the latter.